So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
