I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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