Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
