tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
