I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
