i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
