I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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