Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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