i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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