Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
