May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
