2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
