Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
