If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
