I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
