i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Boobs are out for the taking
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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