So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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