you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
