Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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