I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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