Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
