just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Enjoy the penises
i think im in europe. pls send help
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
