why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
