I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
