He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
