I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
