Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
