im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
from now on my penis is your penis
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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