why didn't you poke me back
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So vagazzling was a success
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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