so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
