My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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