Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
