After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
