lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
