I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I pour the whiskey from now on
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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