I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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