Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
