Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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