You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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