yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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