do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
