and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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