K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
