he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
