I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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