So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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