I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
