there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
