Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
