i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
