Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
