I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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