I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
